I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
