I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
