i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
