You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
