The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
