dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
