Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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