I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
