i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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