This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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