If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
