All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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