My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
