i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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