Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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