My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
