I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize