oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
