Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
