I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They took my balls.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
