don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
