my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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