So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
