Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
