im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
