You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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