she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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