Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
