I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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