Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
