my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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