i love accidental penises.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
