She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
In America we eat man semen.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
