I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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