As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
