totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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