so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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