it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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