so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
