after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
