I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
