Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
