I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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