I just pynch a tree in the face
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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