your parents love me but you hate me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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