I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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