Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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