So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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