Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
