You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
