I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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