I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
