I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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