My Higher Power is John Stamos
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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