I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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