and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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