dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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