His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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